This time next week, California.
- Were you ever there? - Sure. For six weeks.
I was touring with a musical. Middle of December, I was swimming.
- What part were you playing? - I was in the dancing chorus.
Did you have any songs?
I couldn't hit the notes. I just moved my lips. The other 18 girls did the singing.
- What was the show you did? - Oklahoma! A revival.
- You're always doing revivals. How come? - Somebody has to do it.
We're gonna live out in the valley. It is so beautiful there.
I heard it's very hot in the valley, with fake palm trees.
They're not fake.
You can reach out your window and pick oranges and lemons.
I remember staying with Grandma. I was four and a half.
You were never four and a half. You were born 26.
What are the birds like out there?
They're the same as here except they're out there.
I hear they say oar-ange instead of orange.
- So? - You think Tony will be a movie star?
- Not yet. He's just an actor. - Stars have to be actors first, don't they?
Yeah, it helps. But one day, kids in school might say:
"Hey, is Tony DeForest your father?"
He isn't really my father, is he?
- Maybe one day. - I've heard that before.
Shut up!
Can I show Tony all my new clothes first?
Later. You have homework to do.
Homework? Why? We're moving to California next week.
They have homework there, too.
They do? I thought they just skateboarded all day.
Smart ass.
Can I just show him my blue sweater and my new jeans?
All right. But brush your hair and wash your face.
And no makeup.
Tony, you home?
I got you a present.
Hon, you in the bathroom?
Bloomingdale's was on sale.
We cleaned them out. But we can't exchange anything.
I bought you a present. Tony, come take a look.
Oh, my God!
- What happened? - He's gone.
He left without us.
- For California? - For Italy.
Can I read it?
"Dear Paula, this isn't an easy letter to write."
Doesn't start off too good, does it?
"Where the hell do I begin?
"You know you and the kid mean a lot to me."
"The kid"?
"I turned down the job in LA.
"It was just a lousy TV movie anyway.
"On Monday, Stan Fields called.
"He got me a picture with Roberto Benigno."
Benigni.
- Who's Roberto Benigni? - He's an Italian director.
- What did he direct? - What do I know?
What are you asking me questions like that now for?
"It's a six-month shoot in Spain and Italy.
"It's a hell of a part, Paula, and I want it.
"I broke my ass..."
That's enough. Let me have that.
"Ass." I've heard the word before.
"I broke my ass for 12 years in this town...
"and things are finally beginning to break for me.
"I told you when you first moved in here with me...
"that it was never going to be permanent.
"Hell, I'm not even divorced from Patty yet."
Who's Patty?
- I told you about her. - No, you didn't.
I thought you'd be upset if you were living with a married man.
I wasn't living with him. You were. I was in the next room.
I'm sorry.
"I left early today because I didn't think a goodbye scene...
"would do any of us any good."
This is one of the worst letters I've ever read in my whole life.
Isn't it terrible!
"I wish I had something to leave you and the kid."
- He didn't leave us anything? - No.
"I had to sell my watch and my camera...
"to pay off the loan sharks."
- He owed money to sharks? - I'll explain it to you later.
"But I know you'll be all right. You can always go back to dancing."
Dancing! I'm 36.
I can hardly walk anymore.
"You deserve more than I can give you."
Why? What'd he give us?
"I wish you everything. Love to the kid."
- Don't read anymore. - It's just one more word.
"Tony."
Does this mean we're not going to California?
Then I bought the wrong clothes today.
- I can't sleep, either. - Come here.
Is this all we have in the bank?
- Let's sell the furniture. - It's not ours.
- Some mother I am. - It's not you. It's the guys you lived with.
Think I would have learned my lesson.
Next time you see me talking to an actor, just kick me in...
We'll be all right. You still love me.
Maybe we could borrow money from the sharks.
One, two, three, four. Arch your back, seven, eight, and down...
I see you, Paula.
That's right. Arch your back. Get that knee up. Thank you.
Paula, what have you done to your body?
It died. Have a little respect.
Nice. Get ready to turn.
One, two, three, four. Half a second. Beautiful.
Everybody happy?
And arch the back.
Paula, I thought that was you.
Donna Douglas. I was in South Pacific with you.
The revival. Hi, Donna.
- It's tough getting back into shape. - It's been two years.
It's amazing how flabby you get when you think you're happy.
- You know I lived with Bobby. - Bobby who?
Bobby Kulig, your ex-husband.
I guess the marriage slipped my mind.
You still live with Tony DeForest?
I don't think so. I didn't see him at breakfast.
Hi. Sorry.
- You leaving tonight or tomorrow? - I'm sorry. What was that, Mrs. Crosby?
Just checking on what time you're vacating.
We're not going to California. I forgot to tell you.
I'm not the only one you forgot to tell. That apartment's been sublet.
We're paid up through June. You can't sublet the apartment.
I'm not. Your man did, honey.
He sublet our apartment?
Yes. He notified me a few days ago.
It was his name on the lease. So he could do what he wants.
- Be sure you leave it the way you found it. - I'm not leaving it.
I cleaned that and painted it and decorated it...
and I don't care what he did.
I am not getting out. Do you understand?
Ain't my business, honey.
You can take that up with the Sublette.
I don't want no trouble in my building.
That bastard!
That no-good bastard.
I'm not cleaning that up.
What's a Sublette?
Someone who won't get into this apartment.
- Why should he? It's ours, isn't it? - No, it's Tony's.
- He rented it out to somebody else. - He rented out our apartment?
What a crap-head.
- Who's that? - I don't know.
Maybe it's Tony.
Maybe he changed his mind and came back.
You are so young. Stay here.
- Who is it? - Elliot Garfield.
- Who? - Elliot Garfield from Chicago. Is Tony in?
There's no Tony here.
There isn't? Tony DeForest?
There's no one by that name here.
Wait a second.
3A. That's... No, that's the... It's the right apartment.
- I was here once about two years ago. - There's still no Tony DeForest here.
- Could you open the door a second? - Not at 12:05, I can't.
Look, you got a latch. Keep it locked. I just wanna talk to you.
Make it fast. My husband is sleeping.
There's gotta be some mistake.
I just sublet this apartment from this friend of mine, Tony DeForest.
He lives here.
That'll be news to my husband Charlie.
I got a receipt for three months' rent.
I sent him a check. I'm supposed to move in tomorrow.
But I came in early because, you know, I start work in the morning.
You look a little confused. Could I speak to your husband?
He'll be at the 37th Precinct at 9:00 in the morning.
Charlie D'Agostino. Homicide. Good night.
I'll just call Detective Charlie Argentino.
- Who was it? - Never mind.
Didn't sound like "never mind" to me.
Tony rented the apartment to someone.
But I'm not giving it up. It's ours. Go to sleep.
- He rented it? We have to leave? - Over my dead body.
- What if they force us? - Let them try.
He rented the apartment. That's a double crap-head.
It's not for me. All my friends are sleeping.
- Hello? - Mrs. D'Agostino?
- Who's calling? - You know who's calling.
- I was just up there, Mrs. D'Agostino. - Missis who?
D'Agostino! And how come your phone answers to Tony DeForest's number?
And how come the key he sent me FedEx opens your door?
You wanna answer those questions?
No, why don't you answer them?
I will. The answer is because something fishy is going on.
Now I'm wet as a herring, missus whatever-your-name-is.
I don't have a place to sleep tonight...
and now, according to my non-waterproof watch...
it's 12:20, and that apartment belongs to me.
Now, do I come up there right now and discuss this amicably...
or storm the place in the morning?
I have a gun. I'll use it if I have to.
- You have a gun? - Lf you believed it, maybe he will.
Change! I need... I got a pregnant wife in the lobby!
I need change!
- We're in trouble, right? - We are not in trouble. We have our rights.
- Possession is nine-tenths of the law. - What's the other tenth?
Shut up.
- Bet you that's the last tenth. - Back to bed. I'll handle this.
Right, Mrs. D'Agostino.
- Hello? - I just called the 37th Precinct.
There is no Charles D'Agostino in Homicide.
Then I called Rita Scott, an old actress friend.
Rita was in The Merchant of Venice with the ever-popular Tony DeForest.
Rita also told me about this girl Tony's been living with.
A certain Paula McFadden, a former dancer...
and her 10-year-old daughter, Lucy.
Rita also told me the apartment is leased in the name of Tony DeForest.
She knows this for a fact...
because Rita used to live with Tony DeSmoothie...
prior to Paula and Lucy.
Now then, can we continue this conversation...
in a drier room, Miss McFadden?
You got a problem? Take it up with the housing authority.
Don't hang up. Please. I don't have any more change.
Please, God. I'm soaked. I'm soaked to the bone, Miss McFadden.
I have a very low threshold for pneumonia.
I don't know what Tony told you, but he's got my money...
I've got a lease, and you've got my apartment. One of us got screwed.
Let me rephrase that. We have to talk this out.
And I am in no condition, financially or health-wise...
to look for shelter in the pouring rain.
If there is such a thing as the Bleecker Street flu, I think I've got it.
Why don't you take a shot in a convenient place?
Five minutes! That's all I ask!
Look, in 30 seconds, they're gonna cut us off. My number is 212-555-0137.
It's a flooded phone booth on Bleecker Street.
If you have any compassion in your heart...
Operator here. 60 cents for the next three minutes, please.
I'm trying to work it out, Operator!
If you have any compassion, you'll call me back.
The number is 212-555-0137.
Thank you.
- Thank you. - Five minutes.
No. Leave the bags. This isn't a permanent conversation.
- I'm dripping all over your floor. - It's been dripped on before.
Sorry about this. I didn't know there'd be complications.
There's been a lot of that going on lately.
I don't blame you for being hostile.
Tony rents me the apartment, splits with the money.
You and your daughter get dumped on, right?
Wrong. Tony and I amicably ended our relationship.
We agreed I would keep the apartment...
and you and your three-month check get dumped on. Get the picture?
Very good, very sharp.
- Sharp New York girl, right? - No. Dull kid from Cincinnati.
But you get dumped enough, you develop an edge.
Okay, what's the deal? I got a lease in my pocket.
- You gonna honor it or not? - I've got a daughter in my bedroom.
That tops a lease in your pocket.
Look, I don't wanna get legal, but legal is on my side.
I happen to have a lawyer acquaintance downtown.
Now all I have to do is call this lawyer acquaintance of mine and...
Oh, my God! An actor.
- What? - Another lousy actor!
Oh, my God!
"I have a lawyer acquaintance."
That's right out of A Streetcar Named Desire.
Stanley Kowalski in summer stock, right?
Wrong. I played it in Chicago in the dead of winter.
Three and a half months at the Drury Lane.
Ask an actor a question, he gives you his credits!
You want the reviews, too?
"Elliot Garfield brings new dimensions to Kowalski...
"that even Brando hadn't investigated," okay?
Terrific. Carry them around with you, do you?
Did you rip your own T-shirt, too? You don't look the he-man type.
Under these shabby clothes, I'm very buffed.
- What are you, a critic? - No, I love actors...
as long as they stay up on the stage where they belong.
The minute they come down in real life, the whole world gets screwed up.
I've had enough!
I will not be kicked out of the same apartment by another actor!
You want your money back, you go to Naples.
You want this apartment, buy me two tickets to California.
You've two minutes to think it over before I yell rape.
You are something. It's a wonder Tony didn't take a job in the Philippines.
Your five minutes are up. You know where the door is. Remember?
Wait a minute. Calm down, will you? What if we made a deal?
What kind of a deal?
I don't know. Let me think of one. I just got here.
- Can I have a cup of coffee? - No.
Don't be bashful. Just say what's on your mind.
- All right, here's the situation. - I know the situation.
Just let me say it, because I don't believe it, either.
The situation is you have no money, but you have my apartment.
I have a job off-Broadway... Well, off-off-Broadway...
but no place to sleep tonight.
- And you have a daughter to think of. - I'm thinking of her right now.
Do me the favor of hearing me out.
You're not the only one who can yell rape, you know.
I think the only practical solution is to share the apartment.
- I accept. - What?
I accept. I might be stubborn, but I'm not stupid.
You mean it?
I have a daughter who goes to school, and I have to find a job.
You have a key.
I would have to stand guard all day to keep you out. So you win.
Get your bags. You get the small room.
What the hell am I getting myself into?
Where are you?
I'm sorry. I got the wrong room.
Hello.
- You must be Lucy. - That's right.
I'm Elliot Garfield. I'm moving in the other room.
I'm a friend of Tony. Tony DeForest.
- That's nice. - Sure.
- I'm an actor, too. - Does my mother know?
Yeah.
- So I guess I'll be seeing you around. - Guess so.
Good night.
Jeez!
- I just met Lucy. - What did you tell her?
That I'm moving in. She seemed to take it in stride.
Yeah, you grow up fast in this apartment.
I'll get the rest of her things in the morning.
- Can you make a bed? - I think so.
Good luck.
Listen, do you think you can stop grinding your teeth for two minutes?
The noise is driving me crazy.
A dripping stranger from Chicago with a wet head and dirty sneakers...
moves into my daughter's room, and you expect smiles?
You're dynamite. I love listening to you talk.
I hate living with you. But the conversation's first-class.
This is your room. I don't clean or make beds.
Use the bathroom and kitchen when I'm not in it...
and wash it up when you're through.
You pay your own food, laundry, linens, and phone calls.
I would appreciate some quiet between 6:00 and 9:00...
because that's when Lucy does her homework.
I don't care what you drink or smoke, as long as it's not drugs...
in front of my 10-year-old daughter.
- Now, do we have everything straight? - No.
- No? - I'm not crazy about this arrangement.
- You're not? - Definitely.
I pay the rent. I'll make the rules.
I take showers every morning.
So don't have your little panties drying on the rods.
I like to cook. So I'll use the kitchen whenever I damn please.
I'm very careful with my condiments, so keep your salt and pepper to yourself.
I play the guitar in the middle of the night.
I meditate in the morning, complete with chanting and burning incense.
So if you gotta move around, let's have some tiptoeing.
Also, I sleep in the nude, buffo...
with the windows open...
winter, summer, rain, or snow.
Also, I may have to go to the potty or to the fridge late at night...
and I don't feel like wearing jammies, which I don't own.
So unless you're looking for a quick thrill...
or your daughter an advanced education, I'd keep my door closed.
Those are my rules and regulations. How's that grab you?
- And what if I say no? - I have this lawyer acquaintance.
- I accept. - We're moving right along.
I don't like this, and I don't think I like you.
- Because I'm an actor? - Coupled with your personality.
Probably why we were thrown together. One of God's little jests.
If you'll move your shapely little fanny out of my room, I'll unpack and dry my beard.
Miss McFadden, you forgot to say good night.
I was working on goodbye.
- How long is he gonna stay? - As long as he lets us.
- Go to the bathroom. - I don't have to go now.
Don't save it till morning. It's not safe out there.
- Good night. - No kiss?
I'm angry. I don't want to lose it.
What the hell?
- Listen to that. Did that guitar wake you? - No, you did.
Sorry.
Is he gonna play that all night?
- Put the pillow over your ears. - I'll smother.
It's better than that guitar.
- Who is it? - Very funny. Can I come in?
The door is open.
- Are you decent? - Yes.
You realize it's 3:00 in the morning, and my daughter...
God, you're naked.
- I thought you said you were decent. - I am decent.
I also happen to be naked. Remember? I said "buffo."
I have a growing daughter inside...
who's not gonna grow on two hours of sleep a night.
Do you have to play that thing at this hour?
Yes. It helps me to fall asleep.
- Have you ever tried pills? - I don't know how to play pills.
It's not hard. You pop them in your mouth and swallow.
I'm a person of health. I do not put unnatural things in my body.
Music is one of nature's sedatives.
If you just listen to it instead of fighting it, we'll all be asleep in five minutes.
If it really bothers you...
take two sleeping pills and stick one in each ear.
He won't stop.
I have a lawyer acquaintance, too, I can get.
Just take deep breaths and count to 100.
I'm sorry, baby.
I am so sorry you got caught in the middle of all this.
Lucy?
Why does he have to play naked?
- What's that? - It sounds like God.
5:55.
Boy, does God get up early.
- I smell strawberries burning. - It's incense.
- What's incense? - It's what I'm feeling right now.
You know it's 5:55... in the morning.
Isn't there a church where you can do that?
Was that the last chorus?
I am in a blissful state. So don't bug me.
Is this gonna be the regular routine?
Guitars at night and humming in the morning?
I've been in musicals that didn't have this much music.
This morning, I start rehearsals for my first New York play.
Probably the most important day of my life.
My entire career may depend on it. And am I nervous, Miss McFadden?
No, I'm not nervous, because I meditated.
I am calm. I am relaxed. I am confident.
You, on the other hand, did not meditate. Therefore, you are a pain in the ass.
Today is an important day for me, too, Mr. Garfield.
I'm auditioning for a new musical this morning.
Well, a revival of a new musical.
I slept 17 minutes last night, thanks to you...
and with the bags I have under my eyes...
unless this musical is about bitter, old ladies...
I don't have a chance in hell.
Are you listening to me?
What is that slop you're putting in my dishes?
Wheat germ, soya, lecithin, natural honey.
Everything organic.
My body is a temple, and I am worshiping it to the health god.
It's what gives me my vitality, energy, and wonderful disposition.
I happen to be 63 years old, Miss McFadden, and look at me.
Can I fix you a bowl?
This is not gonna work out, you know?
I mean...
I really don't know you well enough to truly dislike you...
but you're just...
too weird to live with.
Why don't you try to find yourself another place...
and I will pay you back all your money once I get a job?
But you're forgetting this is my apartment.
You're living here on an Elliot Garfield grant.
You really ought to try this. It has All-Bran in it.
It cures irregularity, which might be your problem.
Excuse me. Sorry.
- I already signed in for you. - Okay, good.
Yeah, every kid with 10 toes is here.
My God. They're so young!
Aren't they too young to work in this theater?
- Why am I so nervous? Are you nervous? - No, just old.
There's a girl on line who goes to Lucy's school.
The boy on the left and the girl on the right.
Justin Arnolds, Emily Franz. The rest of you, thank you for coming.
Okay, next group on stage, please.
- Think positive. - Yeah, mention it to my legs.
Two lines, please. Girls at the front.
Paula, is that you?
Yes.
It's Ronnie Burns.
Hi, Ronnie.
I thought you gave all this up?
Yeah, I just picked the wrong one to give it up for.
- You been keeping in shape? - Yeah. I never stopped.
- You wanna show me? - Unless I can take a written test.
- Okay, Eddie. - God.
A few basic impossible steps, kids, so pay attention.
Ready?
Five, six, seven, and, one, two, three, and four...
five, six, seven, kick.
Step, step...
Reach, reach, prepare, and single...
chassé, jeté, and finish.
All right, everybody, up the tempo.
The girl on the right and the boy in the middle.
Paula.
A little rusty, but not bad.
My problem is, I need them very young.
Young? Okay, I'm gonna work on that.
Now, then, what about Richard?
Now, the question is, and this may seem perfunctory...
was Richard actually deformed?
Historically, we know he was born with a severe curvature of the spine...
giving the impression he is hunchbacked...
with some paralysis of the left hand and right foot...
some damage to the right cheek and eyelids.
But is this the way we want to play Richard?
I don't think so.
Let's face it. Richard was gay.
I don't think that's any of our business.
It is, in a sense, a Greek tragedy.
As if Richard didn't have enough troubles.
And he wanted Lady Anne not so much for her beauty...
but more because a romance with her would take the heat off him...
in the English court.
How do I think we should play Richard? As an Adonis.
A man whose beauty would put Lady Anne's to shame.
So let's get rid of the hump.
Let's get rid of the twisted extremities, show him as he really would be today...
not desirous of becoming King of England...
but rather of being belle of the ball!
- Yes, Elliot? - I have a question.
- Are you serious? - What's your objection, Elliot?
Number 1: I have to play it.
Number 2: I like the hump and the clubfoot.
Number 3: I've been working on it for three months.
And I respect that. That's why we're here. An exchange of ideas.
Tell me, how do you see Richard?
I don't think he's a middle linebacker for the Chicago Bears...
but let's not toss away one of his prime motivations.
- And what's that? - He wants to get Lady Anne in the sack.
That's just a rumor.
I don't want to press this, Elliot, but let's just try it my way.
Trust me, Elliot.
I know when to hold back.
Why don't we read through the first act?
How far off this diving board do you want me to go?
Don't give me Bette Midler, but let's not be afraid to be bold.
- Bold? - Yes.
"Act 1, Scene 1.
"Enter Richard, Duke of Gloucester."
"Now is..."
"Now is the..."
Can we take a five-minute break?
Let's.
Thirty-eight...
thirty-nine...
forty.
That's it. I can't do any more.
Sixty. You said sixty.
My muscles are gone. I can't dance.
It was a dumb idea. I'm going to put you up for adoption.
- Can you get me a Coke? - Fattening.
Get me a Coke, sweetheart.
Mother doesn't want to beat the crap out of you.
Enter, Lady Anne.
You live alone?
Yes. Fortunately, the other couple who live here, also live here alone.
Let me take your cape.
Hi, Lucy. This is Rhonda.
Rhonda, Lucy. Lucy, Rhonda. Rhonda, Lucy.
- Hi. - Hello.
- What are you doing? - Sitting on my mother.
That sounds like fun. Try to keep it down. Rhonda and I'll be working in my bedroom.
Good night.
I'll bet.
I heard voices. Was that him?
He took two apples.
- Did you write it down? - I didn't have a pencil.
I told you, write everything down. Remember?
If he takes a glass of water, write it down. This is not a hotel.
Why don't you like him?
Who invited him? That's why I don't like him.
If he was a lawyer or a doctor, instead of an actor, would you like him?
I wouldn't like him if I liked him. He grates on me.
I think he's kind of cute.
He reminds me of a dog that nobody wants.
You are never to think he's cute.
- Why did he take two apples? - One for him and one for her.
- What her? - He's got a girl in there.
In my home? He has a girl in the bedroom?
Why didn't you say something? Why didn't you tell me?
Sorry. You want me to write down girls, too?
- You knocked? - Can I speak to you in private?
- Bad time. How about at breakfast? - Is that a girl in there?
- I hope so. - Not in my house. I won't put up with this.
I don't understand. You have a girl in your room, and I don't object.
Rhonda, this is Miss McFadden. Mac lives just down the road apiece.
Miss McFadden, this is Rhonda Fontana, rising young actress.
Don't rise.
- Hi. - Hello.
- Can we talk? This is serious. - Sure.
Rhonda, take a break.
Out.
- Out? - Her. Out.
They have motels for that sort of activity.
I have an impressionable 10-year-old daughter in there...
and that's not the impression I want her to get.
So you get that rising young actress the hell out of there.
Out of my rented apartment you're staying in...
out of the kindliness of my heart?
I'll bring home anyone or anything I choose...
including a one-eyed Episcopalian kangaroo...
if that be my kinky inclination.
As to what is going on in there...
we happen to be rehearsing Act 1, Scene 4, from Richard III.
I have a cretin from Mars directing this play...
and I need all the extra work that I can get.
However, if I choose to attempt to have carnal knowledge...
of that gorgeous bod, that will be my problem, her option...
and none of your beeswax.
Just for the record, what was little Lucy's impression...
of what was going on in Mama's bedroom...
with Tony "love them and leave them" DeForest?
Turn out the lights, will you? We're running up a hell of a bill.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine. Go to sleep.
Are you upset because they're messing around in there?
They are not messing around.
They're doing Act 1, Scene 4, from Richard III.
Did it ever bother you about Tony and me?
I mean, us not being married and living together?
No.
I wanted to get married, you know. But he couldn't get a divorce.
That's okay.
I just wanted to know how you felt.
- Good night, angel. - Night.
Is that a song from Richard III?
Dear God, please let me be hit by a rich man in a Rolls-Royce.
- I think I can swing it. - Thank you.
I'm serious. I mean, it's funny you should say that.
What did I say?
There's a chance I can get us a job at the auto show.
It's two weeks' work, but the money's not bad.
Any money's not bad. What have we to do?
Look pretty, point to the cars, say, "They're terrific."
I can do that. I can point and say, "terrific."
My friend will let me know this weekend. Just keep it quiet.
What a nice person you are. You didn't have to tell me.
We were both given the shaft by your ex-husband.
- I feel related. - Yeah. Thanks.
"Come, now towards Chertsey with your holy load...
"taken from Paul's to be interred there
"And still, as you are weary of the weight...
"rest you, whiles I lament King Henry's corse."
"Stay, you that bear the corse, and set it down."
"What black magician conjures up this fiend...
"to stop devoted charitable deeds?"
"Villains! Set down the corse or, by Saint Paul...
"I'll make a corse of him who disobeys."
"My lord, stand back, and let the coffin pass."
"Unmanner'd dog! Stand thou when I command:
"Advance thy halberd higher than my breast...
"or, by Saint Paul, I'll strike thee to..."
My careereth is over.
I am making a horse's asseth of myself!
Mark, I beg you.
If you want this kind of performance...
let me play Lady Anne.
- You're unhappy, Elliot? - Not unhappy, freaking petrified.
The critics will crucify me. And the gay community, many of them my friends...
are gonna hang me from Shakespeare's statue by my genitalia.
- You've gotta help me, Mark. - What do you want, Elliot?
I want my hump back. I want my clubfoot.
I want a little paralysis in my right hand or my left hand.
It doesn't have to be a lot. Two stiff fingers.
- I need motivation. - I see.
You want to play it safe.
You want to give us your starched, conventional Richard.
And why not?
They've been doing it that way some 500 years.
Listen, what do I know?
I'm lucky I got the part. In Chicago, we act differently out there.
We try to do the plays as written.
If that doesn't go down in New York, terrific.
I respect you. You've done off-Broadway. I haven't.
I'm not a quitter.
I'll play Richard like young Shirley Temple if you want...
but don't let me look foolish.
And you feel foolish?
I feel like an asshole. I passed foolish on Tuesday.
- We have to trust each other, Elliot. - I do.
- I was never gonna let you do it like that. - Thank God.
- Do you see where I'm going? - I'm trying, Mark.
Richard doesn't have to be gay...
but let's use that as subtext.
We'll keep it, but now we can bring back...
- the hump and the clubfoot. - The twisted fingers?
- Lf you like them. - I love them. I'm crazy about them.
Then use them, and you'll see what I'm after.
Whatever.
Try it my way, bubeleh. I won't let you go wrong.
Excuse me, but haven't we met in our apartment?
Please, I enjoy shopping. Don't spoil this for me, too.
We don't have to fight till we get home.
- We need soap, darling. - Not in my bathroom.
This is silly. If you buy what you need and I buy what I need...
we'll have more than we both need.
Why don't we have one list and split up the bill?
- On what items? - Food, kitchen and bathroom cleansers.
Everything except male and feminine doodads.
- There, you go your way, I'll go mine. - Then we split everything?
- I'll pay my full one-third share. - One-third?
I'm not the one with a daughter.
What's the matter? Didn't Lady Anne wash her hands the other night?
Quick. I love a quick girl.
Okay, down the middle.
Chianti. We can't have spaghetti marinara without a little vino.
- You can on my budget. - I'll pay for the booze.
Thin of stature, but not tight of pocket. I'll be right out.
Can I have a bottle of your finest cheap Chianti, please?
There's a nice California red here for $6.99.
- Nothing from Kansas? - No.
Here.
What's this? No.
- What about that? - Here, this is more like it.
Okay? What is it? What's wrong?
- My bag. They took my bag. - Who did?
The car. There were three of them.
One guy jumped out, and he grabbed my bag.
- I had everything in it! - Dirty bastards.
- You're not gonna go after them? - After a speeding car?
Thanks a lot.
They could be armed.
What do you want me to do? Fight it out with a can of tomato paste?
Leave me alone. Just leave me alone.
I think you should go to the police and report it. I could call them.
Wish you'd been as helpful when I was being robbed.
What do you want from me? I'm not a German shepherd.
- Oh, my God, that's them. - Who?
The ones who took my bag!
Stop them! Somebody stop them!
What is this, Police Woman?
Get out of my way!
I'm gonna get a bullet right between my freaking eyes.
All right. Give it to me. Give me her bag.
Come on, damn it! I'm not afraid of you guys.
- Get out of the car! Move! - Okay. We surrender.
- Piss off, pisshead. - Grab him, Cookie. Let's take him.
All right, don't get excited. I was just asking.
Freaking humiliating.
I had all my money in there. Everything!
My last dollar in the world.
- God, you and your damn Chianti! - What's Chianti got to do with it?
You could at least thank me for risking my life for you.
Did you get my bag back? No. So why should I thank you?
Why do I have such lousy luck? Every time an actor comes into my life...
I just hate all of you! Get away from me, okay!
Get away!
I really don't think they robbed you because I'm an actor.
Then, after I got out of Northwestern...
I got my first summer job in Grand Rapids.
Michigan.
Ten plays in ten weeks. Worked like a dog.
I had hepatitis and the mumps and never knew it.
I thought I was just getting yellow and fat.
- Which plays? - Let's see.
First play was Inherit the Wind. I played the reporter.
Gene Kelly did it in the movie. We rented it.
Check. Check. Gene did a nice job.
Maybe he didn't dig as deep as I did. Who knows?
Then I did Cyrano.
José Ferrer. Saw it last week on Channel 9.
I used half the nose, got twice the laughs. It's style that counts, not makeup.
Boy, you don't think much of yourself, do you?
Pound for pound, I got the biggest ego this side of St. Louis.
In this business, you better believe in yourself...
otherwise they'll chop you up and serve you as an onion dip.
What else? I was a disc jockey for a year. No good.
You have to see my face to appreciate the work.
Little more wine?
- Lei anti on the Chianti. - That's good.
You're terrific with words. You always pick the right ones.
Words are the canvas of an actor. His lips are his brushes.
His tongue, the color of the spectrum. When he speaks, he paints portraits.
- Classy. You're very classy. - The kid's got a good eye.
Not like Tony. Tony wasn't a classy actor.
He was just, you know, sexy.
- You don't find me sexy? - Are you kidding?
What do you know? You're 10 years old.
In three years, you'll have my picture on your wall.
Okay. It's after 9:00. Time to do your homework.
Five more minutes?
Talk more. We never have a good talking like this at dinner.
Then I did A Midsummer Night's Dream on public television in Chicago.
I did the part Mickey Rooney did in the movie.
- Puck. - Right on.
Then I got a call from this lady producer in New York...
who saw it and asked me to come and do Richard III off-Broadway.
- Off-off-Broadway. - Are we invited to the opening?
You really want to come? Both of you?
Tuesday's a school night.
We went to Tony's opening on a school night.
- I said no. - Crap... Crud. Sorry.
I think I'm in trouble.
Good night.
Would you be interested in my bedroom?
Are you talking to me?
You can have the big bedroom for an extra $100 a month...
payable right now in cash.
We'll move into yours in the morning.
A rent increase...
for getting what I should've gotten in the first place? No, thank you.
Would you be interested in lending me $100?
I can either pay you back 7.5% interest or do your laundry.
Take your pick.
- He really cleaned you out? - Everyone from here to Italy.
Okay.
I have $97 and change. I'll split it with you.
Starting opening night, I get $600 a week. I'll make you an offer.
I'll pay all the living expenses until you get yourself a job...
and I'll do my own laundry.
I see. And what do you get?
All you have to do is be nice to me.
You go to hell!
Would you listen very carefully?
'Cause this may be the last time I am ever talking to you.
Not everybody is after your magnificent body.
In the first place, it ain't so magnificent.
Fair, maybe, but it doesn't keep me up nights.
I don't even find you that pretty. Maybe if you smiled once in a while...
but who knows? I wouldn't want you to do anything against your religion.
You are not the only person in this city who got dumped on.
I, myself, am a recent dumpee.
I am a dedicated actor. I'm dedicated to my art and to my craft.
I value what I do, and because of a mentally arthritic director...
I'm playing the second-greatest English-speaking role in history...
like a double order of fresh California fruit salad.
When I say nice, I mean nice.
Decent, fair, because I deserve it.
I am a nice, decent, fair person.
I do not want to jump your bones.
I don't even want to see you when I get up in the morning.
I'll tell you what I do like about you: Lucy.
Lucy is your best part.
Lucy is worth putting up with you for.
Here. Here is...
$52 for the care and feeding of your terrific child.
You get zip-a-dee-doo-dah.
You need money for yourself? You borrow it from Lucy, okay?
I am now going inside to meditate away my hostility towards you...
but personally, I don't think it can be done.
"Deform'd, unfinish'd...
"sent before my time Into this breathing world...
"scarce half made up...
"and so lamely and unfashionable...
"that dogs bark at me as I halt by them.
"Why I, in this weak..."
What?
- Am I disturbing you? - Yes.
I'm sorry.
- Then don't disturb me. - You don't have to snap at me.
Yes, I do. What do you want?
- What is wrong? - What's wrong?
You open tomorrow in front of New York critics...
wearing a chartreuse hump on your back.
You play Richard III with a twisted, paralytic hand...
and pink polish on your nails.
I am busy trying to figure out how to save my lousy career.
That's what's wrong. What do you want? I know!
I dipped into your peanut butter. The alarm must have gone off.
What do I owe you for one finger-full of Skippy chunky spread?
I came to pay you back your $52. I got a job.
Also, I want to know if you have any bicarbonate. Lucy's sick.
What's wrong with her?
She had two double chocolate sundaes for dinner.
It's my fault. I ordered them.
Incredible.
It's a wonder they don't sell insurance policies to kids.
- How you feeling? - Did you see The Exorcist?
- That bad? - You better get out of the room.
Just relax. Come on. Flat on your back.
Don't you trust me?
I trusted my mother, and look how I feel.
Come on, flat on your back.
Okay.
Deep breaths. Slow, deep breaths. Watch this.
- You think you can do this? - I might manage it.
- How's that feeling? - A little better.
- How's the play going? - Please, one sick person at a time.
I sure wish we could go to the opening.
You still owe me one wish. Today was the pits.
- Sure, anything you say. - Terrific.
Now you have to get me a dress.
I'm sorry about yesterday. That was very generous of you.
I'm not used to the kindness of strangers.
I know. Don't say it. Blanche DuBois in Streetcar.
Sometimes I feel just like her.
Every time you start to trust a man, they take you away at the end of a movie.
Anyway, I'm sorry for...
I'm just sorry.
If you're listening, that's my attempt...
to be nice, decent, and fair.
How am I doing?
Mr. Garfield, wake up. You can't sleep with my daughter.
This is gonna be funny. Is it a comedy?
- It's Shakespeare. - Boring.
"Now is the winter of our discontent
"Made glorious summer by this sun of York
"And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house
"In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
"Now are our brows bound by victorious wreaths
"Our bruised arms hung up for monuments
"Our stern alarums changed to merry meetings"
He's like the guy who works in the beauty parlor.
I know.
"Be patient, they are friends, Ratcliff and Lovel."
"Here is the head of that ignoble traitor
"The dangerous and unsuspected Hastings."
- Is it over? - It is for me.
"So smooth he daub'd his vice with show of virtue..."
"The trumpet sounds: Be copious with exclaims."
"Who intercepts me in my expedition?"
"She that might have intercepted thee, By strangling..."
"Rescue, my Lord of Norfolk! Rescue, rescue!
"His horse is slain, and all on foot he fights
"Seeking for Richmond in the throat of death.
"Rescue, fair lord, or else the day is lost!"
"A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!"
That's what I'd give for a taxi.
- Weird city. - Someone will hear you.
Someone already said it. Could we go backstage and say hello?
I think he'd rather be alone.
He'll know we thought it was lousy if we don't go.
All right. But try to be tactful.
- What's tactful? - Lie.
Bravo!
Wonderful job, Mark.
Did you love it? Did you really love it?
- It was very interesting. - Oh, God.
She loved it, everyone! My mother loved it!
Hello? Mr. Garfield, it's Lucy and me.
We just wanted to come back...
and tell you how much we enjoyed it.
I had the best time. I thought the best part was the end.
- What? - We're not gonna keep you.
Just wanted to thank you for the tickets and a lovely evening.
People were talking about you on the way out.
They wanted to remember your name so they won't forget it.
Let's go. Good night.
- What was that? - I don't know.
It's broken. That vase. That must be $12.95 plus tax.
- Are you all right? - Not according to the Times.
- Have you read the Times? - Do you want some coffee?
The Times said, "Elliot Garfield researched Richard III...
"and discovered he was England's first badly-dressed interior decorator."
Oh, God!
God, that is tasty, right?
I'll mop that up.
You know, I never pay attention to the critics.
Good! Then you go on tomorrow night.
The naily dews...
The Daily News said, and I quote, "It never occurred to us...
"that William Shakespeare wrote The Wizard of Oz.
"However, Elliot Garfield made a splendid wicked witch of the north!"
Tacky. That is a tacky review.
If you're gonna kill me, do it with panache.
I'm sorry.
What the hell? It's just a silly little New York debut.
Ames, Iowa, is where it really counts.
You don't make it in Ames, Iowa, you have career trouble.
Channel 5 was honest. Direct and loose.
They said Richard III stunk.
And Elliot Garfield was the stinky!
Am I in bed? If I'm in bed, I'm not very comfortable.
I thought you didn't put unhealthy things in your body.
I didn't. I put it into Richard's. I'm trying to kill the son of a bitch.
Please go to sleep. This furniture isn't mine.
Do you think I'm discouraged? Defeated?
Do you think I'm gonna get upset about 14 unimportant reviews?
You bet your sweet ass I am, babe.
Sorry. I forgot this apartment is PG. I keep forgetting.
You were wonderful tonight. Really.
What do you mean, I was wonderful?
I was an Elizabethan fruit fly.
The Betty Boop of Stratford-on-Avon. I was putrid.
Capital "P," capital "U," capital "Trid."
Putrid! Wasn't it?
- No, it was an interesting interpretation. - It was crap.
You didn't see their faces when I walked out on the stage.
Ninety-four people, all given a shot of Novocain.
I want the truth. You tell me the truth...
or I'll smash this priceless $9 lamp to pieces.
Was I putrid or not? Say it!
Yes, you were putrid.
You don't have to be that blunt about it.
I'm sorry. Put it down, please.
I thought I had a good moment here and there.
You know, walking on, walking off. In between was caca.
Is there something I can get you?
Some of your health foods or something?
Don't walk out on me. Once a night is enough.
I'm here. I'm listening.
I really can play that part, you know. I can play the hump off that guy.
I was better on the bus coming up from Chicago...
than I was on that stage tonight.
"Now is the winter of our discontent
"Made glorious summer by this sun of York
"And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house
"In the deep bosom of the ocean buried."
Etcetera.
That is good. It's wonderful. Honestly.
Thank you.
You're really not such a bad person, you know.
That putrid remark really hurt. That really got to me, you know?
I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.
Good night.
- Don't tell Lucy what it said in the Times. - I won't.
- Or the news. - No.
Or Channel 2, 4, 5, 7, and 11.
Oh, and the Discovery Channel...
the cooking channel, the Chinese channel...
and ESPN one and two.
I won't.
Thank you. No autographs, please.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
- So, why are you crying? - I didn't cry today. Do you mind?
I didn't think he was that bad.
"One must always respect the brave and courageous attempts...
"to explore Shakespeare through new and daring concepts...
"and even, if you will, irreverence."
- What's irreverence? - You'll find out.
"But Elliot Garfield and Mark Bodine's Richard III...
"gives us less than a summer stock Charley's Aunt...
"without the good-natured and inoffensive humor."
Does that mean he doesn't like it?
The man has two months to live. He's a cynic.
Which one of you Scotch-taped my tongue to the roof of my mouth?
- Want some coffee? - With a dash of bicarbonate, please.
- Congratulations. - For what?
I don't know what else to say.
Why do you let your child read pornography?
- Want a bowl of puffed rice? - Starve a cold, feed a failure.
Hello? Who?
Just a minute, please. It's for you.
I got the cover of Newsweek?
Yes? Hello, Harv.
Yeah, I read them.
Yeah, I understand. Good.
There you go.
The minute you think your world's collapsing, something wonderful happens.
- What? - They closed the show.
I don't have to do it anymore. The American theater is saved.
I'm sorry.
Listen, everything works out. Now I'm free to take that other job.
- What other job? - I'm looking!
Lucy, we're late. Get your sweater.
Did you know that Jack Nicholson got terrible reviews...
the first time he was ever on Broadway?
- He was never on Broadway. - Oh, I thought he was.
You realize your daughter has a crush on me?
Not to take away from your personal charm...
she had one on Tony, too.
They're fickle at 10.
And at six she also had a big thing for her father.
- Wait for me downstairs. - Why?
Because I'm the mother, that's why.
What are your plans?
My immediate plans? I thought after breakfast...
I might try an aborted suicide attempt, and then think about welfare.
In other words, you're not going back to Chicago.
Chicago, no. Siberia, possibly.
I mean, your room is paid for. It belongs to you.
Thank you. If I decide to leave, I'll give you an address.
You can ship it to me.
If you stay, I could use someone to help me out with Lucy.
I start work today...
and I won't be able to get back to make her dinner.
- So, what I'm saying is... - I accept.
Good.
She has dinner at 6:00. There's pork chops in the freezer.
Okay. Have a nice day.
Cute. Definitely cute.
... while the new Toyota gas and electric engine...
gets 60 miles to the gallon.
Think about that the next time you're on the road.
This extraordinary design eliminates constant refueling...
and requires no need to plug...
Don't ask her a question. She'll get nervous.
I didn't get nervous when she came to my opening.
It requires no need to plug it in to your living room outlet...
Your garage outlet.
The Toyota gives astounding performance plus better mileage...
without any knocking...
or noises or that annoying banging sound...
that's just so terrible.
Tires, one on each wheel, gives better mileage...
because of lack of gas fumes.
In conclusion, I would like to say that the Toyota dual-fuel model...
is a joy for anyone who is looking for...
a gas-driven car, or both at the same time.
Thank you very much.
Thanks a lot. They would have fired me...
but they didn't know the English word for it.
- What are you doing here? - You came to see me. Can't I see you?
It was very nice.
One constructive comment: Study. Learn your lines.
Maybe next year you'll be ready for bigger parts like trucks.
Maybe tanks.
- Did you have dinner yet? - No.
No? She must be starving. What am I paying you for?
Paying me? One petrified pork chop...
and a brown stalk of celery is not a payment.
I came to leave Lucy. I'm working tonight.
- He got a job. - Didn't I just say that?
Acting?
It's in the entertainment field. That's as much as I'll tell you.
I'll be home about 2:00. So don't wait up.
You look terrific! I never knew you had a figure.
That girl really impressed me with your car.
He wears me out. That man wears me out.
I'm in the taxi business. I'm in the market for 100 cars next year.
If you think you can handle it, I'll be back next week.
You really ought to hang onto that girl.
Private dancing! Fit for a king!
Girls, girls, girls! Exotic entertainment!
New show every five minutes. Girls, girls, girls!
See the most beautiful women this side of Linden, New Jersey.
What kind of show they got in there?
Dirty. Very dirty. Filthy. Next show every five minutes.
What do they do?
Won't let me see it. Too dirty for the help.
- How old do you have to be to get in? - Over 12. You guys over 12?
- Yeah. Sure. - Come on inside quick!
- What's wrong? - We got a drunk on stage.
- Get that creep out of here. - Me? I'm the doorman.
When he comes out, I'll open the door.
- You wanna get paid or not? - Paid. I wanna get paid.
I'm your buddy.
Why don't you sit down so we can enjoy the show?
I just want a kiss.
I hardly know you. Besides, I don't kiss on the first date.
Thank you. They like us.
Come here, you ugly twerp.
- I wanna smash your face in. - Smash him!
Tough crowd. Can I talk to you for a second?
- My name is Elliot. What's your name? - Earl.
- Earl what? - Earl this.
- You know what Cynthia Fein said? - Who's Cynthia Fein?
The girl in my class with the wall-to-wall braces.
Elliot picked me up from school today, and Cynthia Fein says he's got charisma.
- Do you think he has charisma? - All right, cut it out.
Cut what out?
Stop trying to make something between us.
- Me? Cynthia Fein said it. - Cynthia Fein, my behind.
Stop pushing me.
- Who's pushing? - You are.
I've got your fingerprints all over my back.
He's okay, all right?
Every once in a while, he even acts like a real human being.
But stop pushing me because the man is not my type.
Your type never hangs around long enough to stay your type.
- I heard that. What did you say? - Lf you heard it, why are you asking?
What did you say?
I said, your type never hangs around long enough to stay your type.
That's a rotten thing to say.
I know. I just felt like saying it.
Oh, Jesus.
Is this Halloween?
- Mr. Garfield. - I think so.
I didn't hear you come in. What happened to your face?
I used it to stop a fist from going through my head.
What kind of meat do you have on there?
Veal Parmigiano. I was saving these steaks for Lucy.
- Oh, my God! Does that hurt? - Only when I act.
- I'll get some ice on it. - You don't have to worry anymore.
I've decided to let you stay as long as you want.
It's my only hope for survival.
- Listen, something will come up. - You think so?
Lucy's friend Cynthia Fein thinks you have charisma.
What do you think I've got? Charisma-wise.
Put this on your eye.
I'm not talking about my talent. Talent-wise, I'm very secure.
It's appeal-wise I'm a little shaky. Tell me the truth.
- Am I as adorable as I think I am? - You're outrageous.
I can't keep up with your energy level.
Do you feel something's starting between us?
Haven't heard that since high school. Out of my way, please.
I have to sell Japanese cars in the morning.
Is that why you have the kabuki makeup on?
You let me stand there?
Towel! Can I have a towel, please?
Don't you ever do that again.
Your lips may say, "No, no," but there's, "Yes, yes," in your eyes.
Don't get cute with me.
- Your cute face drives me crazy. - What's wrong with my face?
Nothing works. But you put it all together, it's a knockout.
- Don't. - We've got ourselves a hot infatuation.
I don't have time for romance. I'm trying to save my daughter...
from getting rickets.
I went for it when I saw you through the crack in the door.
That's the best half a face I've laid eyes on.
Don't make me laugh. I don't wanna be on your side.
If you were a Broadway musical, they'd be humming your face.
You're embarrassing me. I'm too old for that.
You have a better smile than all the tooth ads on television.
Please, don't do that.
Don't make me feel happy.
I just hate this sickening, "wonderful to be alive" feeling.
Don't come into my life. I just got through putting up all the fences.
Can't I even see you to your door? It's a rough neighborhood.
Yes! Call me Elliot. I've already kissed your nose.
I'm praying...
I pray to God that this is all gone in the morning.
The hell you do.
I'll meet you in the kitchen tomorrow night. Don't dress.
Paula, where are you running?
- I wanna see Lucy before she goes to bed. - I have a message for you.
The Maserati people are throwing a small party Upstairs at '21'.
- This guy, Giorgio... - The one that smells better than us.
He specifically asked for you. The girl with the laughing teeth.
- I can't. I gotta go home. - I don't understand. He's gorgeous.
He told me to tell you he was.
You know, if it were any other time...
What's a better time than when you're still alive?
"This is the sleeping child.
"Kiss her good night and come up to roof for private party.
"Dress very fancy."
Elliot, are you here?
Say something.
I don't like this.
I said it was formal, kid.
The party has to be over by dawn...
otherwise it's another $10 for the suit.
Don't panic.
Even Ginger was nervous the first time she danced with me.
What are you crying about?
Kill me. I'm a sucker for romance.
I got a job. A real job. A real acting job.
- You did? Where? - The Inventory.
It's an improvisational group. They saw Richard III...
and said if I could do that, I could do anything!
No. Don't let it rain.
Not on our parade!
It's okay. The suit's too big for me, anyway.
I auditioned for them this afternoon with this girl, Lynda. Very talented.
The same one that played Lady Anne?
No, that was Rhonda. This is Lynda.
- Is she pretty? - No, very ugly.
Doesn't have a great smile like yours.
I played Abraham Lincoln. Faked the beard.
Mary Todd is out of town. Gen. Grant takes me to a brothel.
Sadie, who runs it, tries to pull my beard...
and I say, "No, madam. No one pulls the big guy's beard.
"Grant, put away your sword."
I improvised the whole thing.
- Don't stop. - I don't want to shrink my rented suit.
How is your pizza?
Perfect. I just love it soaked with rain.
Damn it! I asked for rainproof.
So, what happened when Tony dumped you?
He didn't dump me. He moved out for his career.
Idiot.
It happens a lot in this business.
A guy goes on the road for six months with a show...
and he gets lonely.
The only time you have a good marriage is when your man is in a flop.
You're broke, but they come home.
Where did you meet Tony?
- I'm ashamed to tell you. - Why?
I saw him in The Iceman Cometh at The Public.
He wasn't very good, but he was gorgeous...
and I couldn't take my eyes off him.
Don't laugh.
I waited for him to come out the stage door...
and then I just introduced myself to him like a regular groupie.
A week later, I moved in with him...
and the rest is misery.
Why did you do it?
To dance with the chorus of a musical...
the boys usually have higher voices than the girls.
Ten years of that, and you get very hung up on macho men.
Thank God I got through that period.
I'll let that remark pass.
So are we gonna sleep with each other tonight?
Of all the right-up-front girls I have ever met...
you are the most right-up-frontest.
- How do you feel about it? - Nervous.
A pushover, but nervous.
Don't be nervous.
I'll be there.
Where were you last night?
I couldn't sleep, so I went inside to read.
- What did you read? - A Life of Lincoln.
Go back to sleep.
So, when do I move back to my old room?
Good, good morning, everybody. Please, no applause.
And what's new this morning?
Okay, there's nothing new this morning.
They say this kid Lindbergh's gonna try to fly the Atlantic.
William Holden is gonna play Lindbergh.
James Stewart is going to play Lindbergh.
Have we been found out? I thought the kid was rooting for us.
She doesn't like to be called kid.
Sorry. In Chicago it's an expression of endearment.
You know, like, "Hi, kid." "How's it going, kid?"
"What's wrong, kid?"
Nothing.
Glad to hear it. Any buttered toast?
- She's just scared, that's all. - Lucy?
She's afraid what happened before can happen again.
What are you two? Partners?
I thought it was just you and me last night.
What happens in my life affects hers.
And I'm scared, too. Would you be terribly hurt...
if we just forgot about last night?
It's too late. I've already made the entry in my diary.
Look at me. I'm standing here with sweaty palms...
and I have my hands in cold water.
I don't even know what you are thinking this morning.
What's on your mind? Instead of asking me so many questions...
you could at least say to me, "Last night was wonderful."
Last night was wonderful.
Instead of worrying about your lousy breakfast and toast...
why can't you look at me and say, "I'm crazy about you."
I'm crazy about you.
It's easy enough for you to say when I've told you to say it.
Why can't you just touch me, hold my hand, stroke my hair?
Let me know there was a nice feeling that existed between the two of us.
No. It's too late now.
I mean, if I have to think of everything for you... My God.
God, I must be crazy!
I keep doing the same damn thing to myself over and over again.
When am I gonna learn?
You know, I'm just not up for falling in love again.
It's too much work.
I think we'd be better off...
if you'd just packed up all your things and left.
And it's nothing personal.
Now I know why they all left! Crackers!
Animal crackers, lady!
You have a severe case of emotional retardation.
I am not leaving! I am escaping!
If any mail comes for me, just keep it.
I'm not giving you any forwarding addresses.
But in passing, I just want to say that last night was terrific.
The Super Bowl of romance. I give it a nine on a scale of 10.
You get one off for burping, but it's a very respectable score.
Don't get glib about last night. It was important to me.
Lower your neurosis. I'm not finished.
Don't tell me when to get affectionate.
I touch when I want to, I fondle when I want to.
I was planning to touch you all during my eggs...
and fondle you right through my coffee.
You know what your problem is?
You love to love somebody, but when they take the initiative...
like I did last night, it scares the pants off you.
Nothing off-color intended.
You didn't wait outside any stage door for me.
I approached first. I touched first...
and you can't handle anyone going first.
You are laughable, and silly.
Yeah, you're a silly man. Is he the silliest man you ever met?
You know I'm right.
You know yourself too well to ignore what I'm saying.
You know what we've got here? Taming of the Shrew.
Which I did in Canada.
And despite the fact, Kate, that you are a large pain in the ass...
last night was the best thing that ever happened to me girl-wise.
If you weren't behaving like such a horse's rectum this morning...
you and I could have been touching and fondling right up till 5:00...
when I have to go do my improv.
Personally, madam, I think you blew it.
Hope you didn't leave your suitcase on your bed.
Lady M, the Black Prince is dead.
England is yours! Don't you want England?
Spain, maybe. Spain I can get you cheap.
What are you doing in that thing?
Get in quick. The horse has a meter on him.
Is that Cynthia Fein?
Listen, I think you have charisma, too.
Did you tell him? I never said that.
Wait till I get you, Lucy!
So, you want to go to my opening tonight?
I have homework.
- Are you sore about me and your mom? - It's none of my business.
Since you and I are gonna be changing bedrooms tonight...
I think it is, only I'm a little old-fashioned. I want your approval.
Me? I'm 10 years old. I'm not even allowed to vote yet.
I like your style, kid. I really do.
Sorry. I hear you don't like being called a kid.
I'm a kid. It fits.
Do you like me?
You're wasting a lot of money. I'm not enjoying this ride.
Answer my question. Do you like me?
Ask Cynthia Fein. She's crazy about you.
I'm gonna keep asking till I get an answer. Do you like me?
- Can I get out? I'm getting nauseous. - Answer me, damn it! Yes or no?
It makes no difference to me either way.
I'm moving in with your old lady anyway, but I want to hear it first from you.
- Yes or no? - No.
Yes.
- Was that a yes? - Yes.
- A lot? - Yes.
- Really lots? - Yes, all right?
As much as you like me...
it's not one-thousandth as much as I'm nuts about you.
I swear, Lucy. If you didn't like me...
I wouldn't move in with your mom, and that's the truth.
I am certifiably nuts about you and your mommy.
- Now blow that into your handkerchief. - I don't have a handkerchief.
Then cry on the horse.
Please, no more applause! If the owner hears so much applause...
he'll have to pay us, and then he'll close the club!
You know what I'd like more than anything in the whole world?
Furniture. My own furniture. Is that too domestic a thing to say?
No. I didn't know you wanted furniture.
I didn't know you were that interested in sitting.
Today. Sometime today.
Something didn't come out right. What's wrong with it, Elliot?
It's not on Park Avenue.
How many weeks do you have to play before I can have an armchair?
If you take one without arms, about a year.
Mama Bear did the cave real nice.
- Where are you going? - I've got a matinee. It's Sunday.
That's my scarf.
It's okay, you can wear my dress from Richard III.
I think you're wonderful.
I think you've got some very nice qualities, too.
By the way, leave your Tuesday morning open.
- What are we doing Tuesday morning? - How do blood tests strike you?
I just want to go home, get in my bed, and wake up in Hollywood.
That was a four-star show. Maybe five. That was one I'd like to bottle.
God, we were good!
Deputy, there's no air in here!
Give the actors some air! We're human beings, not cattle!
Thank you very much.
- Hello! Is there anyone in that thing? - Who's that?
I would knock, but I don't know how to knock on a curtain.
- Who is that? - Hello. Oliver Frey.
- Who? - Oliver Frey. Is that all right?
- Oliver Frey the director? - I believe so.
No kidding! Nice to meet you.
Oliver Frey, what do you know?
- Pleased to meet you. - This is Gretchen.
It's not possible to pronounce her last name.
That's okay. How do you do? Get back here.
How do you do? I'm sorry about that.
We thought you were wonderful.
- Really? Is that what you thought? - I have no reason to lie.
It's a good group. They're all terrific kids.
I love them all. You're very talented, you know.
Me? Thank you.
We don't want to keep you. I just had one thing I wanted to ask you.
- Would you be interested in a movie? - You mean making one?
We could go to one, but I think working is much more fun.
- With you? Yeah, I'm interested. - I am, too.
Certainly, I'm interested! Are you kidding? Sure.
I'll have my people call your people.
Great. Wait, I don't have any people.
I'll get you some, and I'll call them.
I look forward to it. And so, I suppose, goodbye.
Yes, goodbye.
I suppose you want your door closed.
What are you doing out here? Did you lock yourself out again?
Lucy, what is it?
At least we didn't get a letter this time.
Sending that stuff to the laundry, I hope?
- I got a picture. - What?
A picture, Paula. I got a movie!
Here it comes again.
It's a terrific picture. Oliver Frey is directing.
I have to be in Seattle on location tomorrow morning.
- Seattle, Washington. - Yeah, I know where that is.
- It's far away. - Who cares? I'm not walking.
They left a first-class ticket at the airport.
Four weeks' work. $2,350 a week.
I mean, Oliver freaking Frey. He's the best, you know?
- I didn't even ask what the part was. - That's wonderful.
It's not that big a part.
No one heard of Al Pacino before The Godfather, right?
I couldn't be happier for you.
Look at me. I'm shaking. I spent 20 years building up my ego...
now when I need it, it locks itself in the john.
It'll come back. Trust me.
What's wrong? It's four weeks. Four lousy weeks.
- That's a week less than five. - Yeah, I know.
No, you don't know.
You think you're gonna get dumped on again, don't you?
You say you'll come back. Why shouldn't I believe you?
Because if I were you, I wouldn't believe an actor, either.
You need some help?
No. I see you took everything.
They told me it was freezing up there, to bring all my warm clothing.
Come on. You know I would take you with me if I could.
It's way up in the mountains.
You know, it's very rough country. They got wolves up there.
Not in the movie. I mean big, hungry wolves.
I've always gotten along fine with wolves.
I thought you'd be excited, jumping up and down.
I mean, it's what I've worked for my whole life.
Isn't that what a mature relationship is all about?
You root for me. I root for you.
This is my third time as cheerleader.
Okay, I get the point.
Forget it. I'm not going. It's not worth it.
Not if I have to put you through four weeks of hell...
wondering if I would be coming back or not.
You know, I got this picture. I can get another one.
The hell I'm not. That's crazy!
Why should I do a dumb, stupid thing because you don't trust me? I'm going.
You're just gonna have to trust me. You gonna trust me, Paula?
Yeah, I'll plan my days around it.
Damn it. Damn it to hell!
I hate those two guys who walked out of here.
I'm the only one who's coming back, and I'm getting all the blame.
No.
You go, Elliot. I want you to go.
I mean, if you come back, that's fine. I'll be right here putting up my wallpaper.
And if you don't, that's okay, too.
I'll miss you, but I'll survive.
I've grown up so much in these last two months.
I mean, look at me. I'm all grown up.
I've never felt better or stronger in my life.
Someone's actually about to walk out that door...
and I'm not crumbling into a million pieces.
God, that just feels really good.
Bye, Elliot.
You make a nice movie...
and have a wonderful career...
and, if you're ever up for an Academy Award...
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
What is there about you that makes a man with 157 IQ...
feel like a dribbling idiot?
Whatever it is, I thank God for it. Thank you, God.
You know...
Interesting lesson I just learned.
Falling in love and becoming successful...
may very well be the worst thing that can happen to a man.
If my plane crashes in that storm, I'm coming back to haunt you.
I'll be the ghost of Bleecker Street.
I'll be sitting in that kitchen eating pasta and drinking Chianti...
until you're 96 years old.
So long, kid.
See you, kid.
I can't sleep.
Give it five minutes. Just get into bed.
I can predict the future.
Yeah? How about predicting mine?
I predict there's a phone ringing in your house.
Hello?
Get dressed. You're coming with me.
What? Where are you?
On the street in my old leaky phone booth. The plane had engine trouble.
We're delayed two hours, so I cashed in first-class for two coach.
- What about Lucy? - Don't worry about Lucy.
Call Donna. She can stay with her till we get back.
Come on! The cab's ticking away your new bedroom set.
But I thought you said I can't come with you.
I'll tell them you're my analyst. Actors are very high-strung people.
You really want me to come?
You sure love a love scene, don't you? Yes! I want you to come!
It's okay, then. I don't have to. Just as long as you ask.
Paula, don't play games with me. My cab's half underwater.
You'll have enough to do there without worrying about me.
Besides, I've got work to do.
I'm spending all your money on our apartment.
But I'm nuts for you!
I hope I'm calling the right number.
- Paula, do me a favor. - Anything, angel.
Will you have my guitar restrung? I'm not sleeping too good lately.
I'll call you tomorrow.
- He left his guitar? - He really is coming back.
I never doubted it for a moment.
I have it!
Have a safe trip, sweetheart. I love you.
Never mind that! You're rusting my guitar!
English